Saturday, December 3, 2011

Trapped In Purgatory

I closed my business this afternoon and made my way home with the thought of a nice afternoon nap. Silly me. Sweet Wife had other plans.

I begged, said please at least six times, went the bent knee routine. Offered to give a back rub of any duration. Tried a bribe...nothing worked.

I was 'volunteered' as bodyguard for her shopping trip to the 'fancy' upscale mall well the hell and gone over yonder on the other side of the city. Shopping, just shoot me now. Then, she explained why she wanted me to ride shotgun. I changed my attitude and mind.

Seems last evening two local armed democritters jumped, beat and robbed a nice lady in the parking garage of the 'upscale' mall. She was airlifted to the hospital...and my Sweet Wife watched the local news coverage and even though she is licensed and has been trained by me refused to shop alone. I don't blame her...besides, now I had a chance to go hunting...could be fun.

No boogers approached us....I stood around, waited. Nada. She said, "Well, would you approach you."

So, I was trapped in Purgatory. All - darn - afternoon. My feet began to hurt. I complained as there was nothing, nothing at all to shoot. She bought me a lemonade.

I did sneak away for a moment and purchased her some boots for Christmas...some brand called 'Uggs.' Expensive little suckers.

Above, she's has me on a leash as she shops for Little Bit and Sport Model. I stood behind with her six covered.

You'd think the locals would at least come out and play....

Next time I'll call my friend Duke, maybe between the two of us we can scare up some fun.



  1. Yep, no rest for the wicked. Nothing like getting all "dressed up" with no place to go. :)

  2. I HATE shopping. HATE it with a bloody purple passion.

    (Unless it's for books. Or guns. Then I'll spend as much time as the kids will let me.)

    I flat refuse to step foot in our local mall. They've got "target rich environment" signs posted.

  3. You know thug punks only go after the weak and unprepared. You probably look like you might be trouble, so they just go look for easier pickings.

  4. Heh, I feel sorry for the "fun" you and Duke might scare up.

  5. Sweet wife would probably object if you suggested letting her get "a bit" ahead of you in the parking lot to make things more entertaining(try to avoid words like bait or stalking horse).

    As HH's comment shows I'm lucky in this department, though given her shoe size any time she does have to buy shoes it's like being next to a little cauldron of pure rage.

  6. You and Duke together, fun maybe for you two, but others??? (evil grin and laugh) I feel for you having to go with the Mrs.

  7. I hear you. At least my mall trip this afternoon had a stop at the Cabela's.

  8. If she were nice to you, she'd buy some nice high heel boots for herself. Err, for you.

    You know what I mean. ;-)

  9. "No boogers," you crack me up...sad that a woman can't just go out and do some decent shopping these days without protection.

  10. Glad you are a good man to bodyguard your wife! There are so many places that are just dangerous for women, we do get easily distracted while shopping! I won't go by myself unless I have to. Glad you got the UGGS, she will enjoy them!! Be safe, and watch out for the Boogers!

  11. I HATE malls with a passion. Haven't been in one in 7 or 8 years. In fact, I am one of those weird women that doesn't like shopping that much. My only fun shopping is going to the grocery store or thrift shop. The grocery store is fun for me as I try to see how cheaply I can get out of there! Thrift store is fun as I am always able to find some upscale items at low scale prices!
    Most of my Christmas/birthday/present shopping is done online.
    Going into a mall is like descending into Hell for me...

  12. 45er, that's a fact. And, no one comes out to play, wasted day.

    HH, true. I too can visit a bookstore or gear joint all day.

    Swamp Dod, I suppose so, even though I present such a handsome persona to the crowd...I even brushed my teeth, wore my best combat boots (really) and wiped my carry piece clean as a babies butt. (BTW, like the Christmas tunes)

    Matt, we are a barrel of laughs when we're out and about together. We can clear a path in a mall.

    Odysseus, you are lucky...I tried to get Sweet Wife to lie down and scream, "I've fallen and cannot get up." Didn't work...damn it.

    Rob, really, we're a couple of nice guys just out for fun...really. Single targets are five points each...double taps, ten.

    bluesun, some guys have all the luck.

    kitchen witch, me, funny? Nah, kinda dry witted perhaps...but thanks. You're a sweet lady.

    kingturkeyoak, thank you. I will always cover my wife..always. The Ugg's are ugly, by the way, but for some reason she loves 'em.

    Lamb, truth be known, Sweet Wife is much the same. She loves thrift shops and such but at this time of year she will hit the malls and other places in search of the perfect gift.

    To all: thank you very much for the kind comments.

  13. Borepatch, shut down this computer, picked up my phone and noticed I'd missed your comment...shucks, sorry.

    Not a bad idea on the boots...except, she's mean to me and won't buy me any...then again I comfortable in my everyday old worn out boots.


  14. Maybe we could take turns laying down inside a parking garage with a $20 bill hanging out of our pockets while the other one hides close by.....could be fun.

  15. ProudHillbilly, there are limits and certain lines I just will not cross....

    Duke, I think it'd work. Let's give it a try. I want first shot.