Autumn

Autumn

Friday, March 28, 2014

Double Dose

My favorite brand of cereal sat there in all its glory with a flag which read, gluten free.

The stores taped music station played scratchy sixties rock transformed into 'put me to sleep while I walk' nonsense tunes. Older women and snap card recipients strolled the aisles with their elbows firmly planted atop the store carts as if each and every step would be their last. The gluten free thing bugged the hell out of me.

The little girl in the green store vest came close as she used her inventory ray gun. She snapped scans of scans, and left pleasant trails of perfume in her wake. I reached out, said, "Hey, what's happened to my cereal? Its been highjacked," or words to that effect.

"Huh?" I could see we were off to great start.

I tried once more, "Have you this cereal," I pointed, "Unaltered from its original form?"

"Ah, I don't know. Like, what do 'ya mean?" Such a bright girl, wonderful girl.

Play time. "Please, dear pretty girl, is it possible for you or either management to please check your inventory for this particular brand of cereal in its original package, unaltered, with its everyday hundred year flavor, texture, and if it isn't to much of a bother, I'd like extra, extra, double-dosed gluten. I like gluten...it's the gluey aftertaste I so much appreciate...the way it mingles with the whole  milk, it really kick starts my mornings. Really, do you believe it possible?"

Her little brown eyes expand. She takes a half-step back and gets all Baptist on me with, "Oh, my God. That stuff will kill you. Why do you think they put 'Gluten Free' on the box. You really shouldn't eat that stuff."

Such a cute little booger, wonderful child. Me, all smiles with, "Like egg yolks....."

"Ah."

"And, sausage, and bacon?"

"Duh, oops, er..."

"May I ask, please little one - what exactly is gluten?"

"I don't know, kinda like a chemical...?"

I just stood there, slumped shouldered and with a pretend sad smile on my face. "No, dear girl, its basically a gluey substance made from wheat, and/or barley and rye. It appears the American liberal media and the hoard which presently occupy the White House has convinced the general public that to even sniff a gluten's tail will give you cancer and turn your tallywacker white. And, sadly otherwise intelligent people have convinced themselves it's true. But, that's fine. The government has folks dead set against animal fats too....takes all kinds."

For some strange reason she took another step, back. Odd girl indeed.

I took the box of Cheerios, flipped the crap in my grip, leaned close and said, "Bet you hate guns and puppy dogs too."

Stephen


 

36 comments:

  1. The fad has gotten out of control. On that point, I have to agree with you. And you shouldn't *not* be able to find your trusted brands on the shelves. I agree with that as well.

    On the other hand, the availability of relatively reasonably priced gluten free items has made my life easier. (I have Celiac Disease... believe me, I would love to go back to my gluten-eating ways.)

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    1. Ellen, I agree. Now, Celiac Disease is another story, but most people have this idea, fad, as you said, gluten is awful and will kill you and shouldn't be eaten. I bet next week we'll find gluten free bananas.

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  2. It'll turn my tallywacker white? I have got to buy me some after that tragic nail polish accident my wife had while I was asleep.

    I think Cheerios was always gluten free since it's made from oats. I just love seeing "gluten free" on things like bottled water.

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    1. Yep, a sickly white too. Gotta watch those Cheerios, and Rice Cheks....

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  3. Nooo Stephen, she only hates guns...because guns kill people...like gluten. Sarc off.

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  4. Lucky for both of you she didn't need to make change for your purchase.

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    1. bahahahahahahah! oh that was a good one WS Fool! bhahahahah!

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  5. I avoid gluten because I avoid wheat. It ain't what it used to be even a half a century ago... the stuff is a low-level poison that leads to inflammation, memory issues and a gut. The gluten-free thing is faddish, but at least there's some truth behind it... unlike the push to leave butter for margarine decades ago. The rise in Celiac disease is incredible... and it's because Gov/Corp Intl. has subsidized and bred and spliced where they shouldn't have.

    Animal fats, however? We were totally made to eat those. Bacon and eggs FTW.

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    1. Ah, David...now it's not that bad. I still like my Red Winter wheat...and my gluten free pickles....with bacon.

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  6. I tryed the gluten free cereal once. It turned into mush within minutes. A cousins wife has Celiac I fell for anyone who has it. Many of today's youth are clueless. God help us all.

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    1. We would be able to cure Celiac if only the government and social media pushed the new disease of pickle rash....we need free range organic pickles. If everyone would eat one free range organic pickle a day....ah, heck, never mind.

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  7. Bacon is gluten free...so is scotch. I like both and can thumb my nose at the gluten Nazis.

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    1. And bananas, and tomatoes....I think you get the point and joke, Jess...thanks.

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  8. It won't matter anyway before long they won't be selling milk as only the evil White people can digest it.

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  9. I'm hooting with laughter. Hubby is in the chair across the room. I'm about to send him the link to one of the funniest, orneriest posts - ever.

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    1. My lovely wife says she can't take me anywhere, and never allows me lose in public.

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  10. You're starting to sound as crazy I as I do.

    Remember this song?

    They're coming to take me away, ha ha
    They're coming to take me away, ho ho

    To the funny farm, where life is wonderful all the time!
    And I'll be glad to see those nice young men in their clean white coats...

    Hell, we can say what we want, we're old guys.

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    1. Feels good, this old age, doesn't it Bubba.

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    2. Yeah and they can't throw us in the government dungeons, we'll just say we have dementia.

      What were we talking about?

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  11. Gluten is grain protein. Oats don't have much, wheat has a lot. And yes, the wheat nowadays is not like the wheat of even 50 years ago. Not much food is anymore. I buy only organic flour and wheat berries. I know, I know....still the changed stuff, but no pesticides. My husband cannot find Shredded Wheat at our only store (Safeway). All the cereal is full of sugar and who knows what. Kids crap. So now I cook him organic oat groats for his breakfast with milk and brown sugar. Works for us. Notice how the young people are now trained to accept whatever the govt says is true? Sad, isn't it?

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    1. Ah, Sweetheart, now you knock it off....But yep, it is sad. These kids (and most city folk) fall for this bullcrap like its candy from heaven. I still insist on organic free range ammunition when on the firing line.

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    2. The stores keep the organic free range ammunition over there, on the Hippie side...probably labeled, Hollywood Stuff.

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  12. Nice joke Stephen. As far as I remember, Cheerios is made with oats and oats are gluten free naturally, but it does make for a funny labeling joke. They probably didn't change the formula at all.

    Other similar ones could include:
    Labeling a 10# bag of sugar as fat free, sodium free, and gluten free.
    Labeling Bacon as sugar free, and gluten free.
    Labeling onions as fat free and gluten free.
    Labeling a chocolate bar as gluten free......

    Have fun teasing the store clerks!

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    1. And my followers.....

      I'm a huge tease, or so I'm told. Have I told you about our new gluten free truck tires.

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    2. Do ya have gluten free car tires too? I still hate the Michelin Harmonies on my car, but they just won't wear out.

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    3. Two words, my dear, Ice Pick.

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    4. Surprisingly enough, lots of chocolate bars are *not* gluten free. They use malt to enhance the flavor. And while oats are gluten free, they are often grown, processed and shipped using the same equipment as wheat, thus becoming contaminated. I know the fad is stupid. I also know that I spend far too many hours in pain due to the fact that some folks think everyone who is gluten free is just following the fad.

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  13. If it was corn or rice based, it was probably always gluten free.

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    1. Now Chris, you're gonna spoil my day with all these facts....

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  14. needless to say, dear sweet one, and you probably already know this...at harvest time, i sit and ask every single tomatoe, bean, pea, potatoe, etc. if they are gluten-free. can't have any gluten in my harvest. jam asks each trout too. the smart ones say they are full of gluten and he chucks them back in the water. the dumb ones say "yes, i am gluten-free" and then he whacks them in the head with a piece of hardwood from an old tool and we have gluten-free trout for breakfast! that gluten - it's the devil i tell you. the devil!

    bahahahahah! great post buddy! love you! your friend,
    kymber

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    1. Me, all shocked faced....scary, those gluten free trout.

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