Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Sales Weasel

His name....haven't the foggiest idea. He graces my shop with his presence at least once a quarter. He comes in with a cheap assortment of Chinese made self-defense gadgets; batons, handcuffs, ink pens with little blades hidden inside, junk like that.

The bull begins the moment the door closes, "Mr. Stephen, Mr. Stephen, what a deal I give you today...oh, such a good deal."

I seldom if ever make a purchase. It's trash, cheaply made by children's hands; plastic or pot metal mall ninja toys.

Yesterday his arms overflowed with deals. Let's call him, 'Ahab.' Slight little dark fellow, kinda greasy. Mouth runs at standard lip numbing speed, spittle.

"Oh, Mr. Stephen, please Sir, check out this deal I have for you. Today, only today, I give you six of the wonderful combat batons. See, I snap it extends. It's very good quality, to reverse its spring just slap on floor, hard, like this." He takes the baton in both hands and delivers, indeed, a hard blow to the tip of the baton. It doesn't retract. He tried again. SMACK. I swear, his arm vibrated.

I said, "No thanks."

Next he whips out a little pink box. Pepper spray, in pink, mind you, "Mr. Stephen, Mr. Stephen, please you take this for the lovely wife, girlfriend, they will love it....poof, see, just push button and it blind and cripple their foe."

It's always the same. First one piece of junk then another. Prices are super inflated. Which brings on this...

"Oh, Mr. Stephen, Mr. Stephen." Always twice. He wears it out. "Mr. Stephen please Sir, look at this little beauty."

He whips out a little box, a plastic light weight stun gun. Granted it'll put a hurt on your every day run of the mill democritter, but still, it lacks quality.
He snaps on the gadget and hits the red button, snap. Then, "And, Mr. Stephen, Mr. Stephen, it has a built in flashlight."

I say, "So what." Then reach into my pants and take out my Surefire, "I do too." I carry it 24/7, and mine works.

The last seemed to piss him off. He shifted from foot to foot. Wiped his nose. Looks me in the eye and said, "Mr. Stephen, Mr. Stephen, for you my friend I give you this most wonderful self-defense weapon for only $35.00."


He turns and walks towards the door; can I be this lucky.

"Okay," He said, "I drop the price to $25.00, and lose profit."

I smile. Blink a few, and then, "Ahab, you and I both know this is a piece of junk. Tell 'ya what I'll do, today and only today. I'll give you ten dollars."

He turns, blink, blink.

"But, Mr. Stephen, Sir, I must make profit."

"You are, even at ten bucks. I know you only paid five dollars, if that, for it."

Later, after he took my ten dollars and safely tucked it away in his pocket, he turns to me and said, "Mr. Stephen, you must have middle eastern blood."

I chuckle, "You mean with my blond hair and Irish last name and all."

He smiled, "No, Mr. Stephen. Because you have brown eyes."

Later in the day it came to me. He meant I was full of bull@#it.



  1. Ha ha. Good read. For a moment, you and he were almost on the same page.

  2. bahahahaha! that was a great read! you sure do get the best of them eh? which leads me to a question - do any semi-normal-ish people ever visit your shop? bahahahahahaha!

  3. That reminds me: I need to replace the "No Soliciting" signs on my doors - the old ones are faded.

    You do manage to have the most, um, interesting encounters.

  4. I guess everybody has to hustle a buck one way or the other. You're more patient than I would be.

  5. Stephen, that is why you rich people keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer. You need to buy the poor people's trash so you rich people will share the wealth. And you must be rich, you own a business.

    Wow. My head now hurts and I seem to have lost rationale thought. Is this what it feels like to be a liberal all the time? No wonder they want to make everyone else miserable...

  6. No, Mudbug, you say those things in jest and it hurts, a liberal spouts that BS and they get a rush and feel good.

  7. Matt, we're seldom on the same page..but he's funny. Thanks.

    kymber, yes I do have normal visitors, most are nice, like Duke. When you own a business open to the public on a major street, as I do, you get your fair share of strange people.

    Rev. Paul, I have a no soliciting sign on my front's worthless. Yes, I do Sir, and these are just the encounters of which I write, never mind the street walkers, pimps, crack dealers and others..well, you get the picture.

    Arsenius, trust me my patience runs thin from time to time. Thanks.

    jambaloney, you're welcome for the laugh. Thanks.

    Mudbug, my poor head. I'm far from rich. Just spent over eighty bucks for a new coffee pot at Target...that hurts.

    Matt, very true.

  8. That one was pretty good. I wished I had funny talking people come by and try and sell me stuff like that. It sounds like fun. All I get are those Chinese people at the all you can eat buffet come by my table and tell me "HO, you big redneck, you eat to much, you go home, now"

  9. MDR, tell 'em to kiss your butt. Chinese, silly bunch of so and so's.

  10. Funny,I've never seen a coffie pot that was worth $80.Target burned you worse than the salesman that came to your store

  11. Anon, I agree. I should have wrote, 'coffee maker,' add a bit of class to it. I checked wallyworld too, same price. A Mr. Coffee with a carafe instead of the silly burner that scalds the coffee after its brewed. Actually, $89.00 with tax. Hey, it's a write off. Thanks.

  12. On the plus side, no one is going to push you too far, since you are armed. I appreciate your stories, they make the day go faster! Thanks! Kent

  13. Kent, thank you very much. Just before I wrote this reply to you I dropped by your blog...I like it. I hope you all the best in this world of's a hard rode during these tight times but hang in there and all the best. I have linked your blog here. Tried to follow but it doesn't for some reason (blogger) want to allow me. I'll try again. All the best.

  14. Excuse me, I meant 'hard road.' tired. It's been a long day.

  15. Thank you, Stephen. I consider it a great honor that you linked to my blog. You are one of my inspirations to finally blog myself! Times are hard, indeed, but luckily my wife and I both are still employed. Keep up the good work, my friend!

  16. Keangnt, thank you, I'm honored to have you. Shucks, kinda nice to be someones inspiration. Like you and your wife, we too still have employment and consider ourselves lucky. So many are hurting...many I know have been without jobs for three and four years. Makes me feel helpless. We must, first of all, change the administration in Washington, but more importantly, get ready for the inevitable collapse of this once great nation.

    jambaloney, MDR is a funny guy indeed.