Autumn

Autumn

Monday, July 8, 2013

I Must Confess

If we owned a doghouse I'm fairly certain it would be my residence for the rest of this year. I hate to tell on myself, really I do, but to carry this guilt for the rest of the evening would, I'm sure, do great damage to my marriage. You see, she isn't aware I shot out one of her dining room windows.

Sigh.

Arrived home about 1600 this afternoon. Since Monday is my normal day off I thought I'd close the shop early. After all business was slow, and I had a couple of chores I wanted to tackle. Time on my hands, don't 'ya know.

My first order of business was to run a line check on our irrigation system. As each station cycled I followed along and observed each sprinkler carefully for trouble. Station four soaks our backyard.

Just as I took a step around the corner of our home I spotted movement under our deck. Two whopping sized armadillos. Two. I retreated for aggressive action.

A few moments later I'm back and armed with one of my little Rossi .22 pump rifles. Now, here I must pause and build a case for my defense.

Our home has a brick walkway laid on three sides of our yard. The bricks, though firmly bedded. are subject to movement by tree roots. Not all the bricks are even with the rest and it's very easy to catch the toe of your boot and stumble if you (me) aren't careful.

It's hot. I have copious amounts of stinging sweat in my eyes (which didn't help my vision) and my breathing was uneven from the quick dash inside. Pretending to be a woods wise Indian, I eased around the corner and spotted my nemesis - the hated saber toothed armadillos.

The suckers held tight to the underside of the deck. Target acquisition was difficult. I held my breath, took a bead on armadillo one and fired. The sucker flipped. I shucked the bolt to reload and the friggin rifle jammed.  Booger number two was about to make his escape. I quickly reached and released the magazine tube which takes pressure off the rounds, and then, slammed home the bolt.


Problem is as I worked to load a fresh round into the chamber, I like a damn fool, tried to step forward in order to gain a fresh sight picture on almost dead armadillo number two. Remember, hot, excited, killer instinct has kicked into high gear - I wanted blood.

My boot caught a fraction of an upturned brick, and like an amateur, (Oops, get ready.) my finger still caressed the trigger. I had not fully released my booger hook. On this particularly rifle if you hold the trigger back and slide the bolt home it will fire. Well, guess what.

I stepped, stumbled, and fired. Remember folks, muzzle awareness is very important to firearms safety. By the way I missed zombie armadillo two.

But, I shot a pretty round hole in our formal dining room window. Low, on the frame. Clean hit. I felt like a fool. (Go ahead, laugh.)

It's a tiny hole. Nice and clean. Glass fractured pretty as you please. It's amazing what a tiny .22 short will do to metal and glass. Never underestimate a .22's ability to kill game or its decorative effect on windows.


I held my head low and slowly walked back to the garage and into the house. Didn't even wipe my boots, just tracked inside to the dining room. I expected severe collateral damage. Her sheer curtains took a hit. I bent and carefully tracked the path of the bullet. As expected it shattered and two small pieces entered one leg of her (Lord help me.) antique china cabinet. I ran and grabbed a tube of that stuff that restores the color of wood and wiped away the evidence.

I quickly scheduled an appointment with a window repair service.

I truly hate armadillos.

There. It's done. I've confessed. Maybe I'll wait for the repair people before I tell her....it's possible she won't notice the damage.

Isn't it...possible.

Stephen 


62 comments:

  1. Have always disliked tubular magazine .22s. Sweet wife, being sweet, will forgive you.

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  2. You're a brave man.

    I never told anyone about the hole that appeared in that old piano in the basement.

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    Replies
    1. Sarge, I'm still red faced. Thanks.

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  3. Once I ran into the house and put a dent into the wood. It took my husband three weeks to see it. Maybe there is hope for you.

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    Replies
    1. I told her. She was so nice about it. She said I can return home for Christmas.

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  4. It's best to just go ahead & 'fess up. She may be angry, but she might also laugh at you. Not sure which is worse, but you'll feel better about it. :)

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    Replies
    1. She did...laugh. I got off easy.

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    2. You're a blessed man, my friend. I'm glad.

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  5. Have you considered a fake moustache, heavy accent, affected limp and a run for the border?

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    Replies
    1. Yes. I have an old bottle of 'just for men' somewhere.

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  6. Get right with the Lord, take a deep breath, tell her, then say hello to Saint Peter for me.

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  7. Yes I did laugh. Sorry for your pain. So it will cost you big time with sweet wife, another weekend trip maybe or a spa visit?? Life in the dog house, I know it well.

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    Replies
    1. She was very forgiving...thank God.

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  8. 80+ year old FIL & 70+ year old MIL killed 4 or 5 one night & loaded them in their Cadillac trunk to toss off the nearest bridge (hoping the tide would take them to Mayport & eventually out to sea). It's still a tale to tell around the Thanksgiving table with FIL's dear friend aka as Mr. ex-policeman stopping by for dessert.

    Windows can always be fixed but I don't know about that antique china cabinet.

    Good luck my friend.

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    Replies
    1. The cabinet is fine...two minor spots, now well disguised.

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  9. Yes, those bricks are tricky, try it with a zero-turn mower. So I guess Osama-Bin-Dillo #2 got away huh? By the way, was the solenoid for that one zone the problem?

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    Replies
    1. I believe I have a line break, leak, in zone four. Yep, sucker escaped. I'll get him sooner or later.

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  10. Had a family living under my house. I pinned them to the ground one at a time from the porch with my old Bear recurve bow and some wooden target arrows. They came out one at a time to see why the others weren't returning. Better them than my AC ducts. Try a bow next time. Less chance of a hole in the house. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Couple of weeks ago I shot three...then two more, and on and on and on...

      Don't own a bow. I love the smell of gun powder. Thanks, Muddy.

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  11. I have stuck an arrow in the side of the house before. One little hole in the window isn't bad not like you emptied your Glock into your wives new hardwood floor trying to kill a rat.

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    Replies
    1. Ouch. Guess I got off easy. Hardwood floors, huh...how's the rat.

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    2. It was a friend who did it, he patched up the holes and far as I know his wife is still clueless. Also the rat escaped.

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  12. Too funny! Glad she laughed. Didn't your ma tell you to" pick up your feet"?

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    Replies
    1. Yep, Mom did indeed...this will be one of those stories told around campfires, by my friends, for years to come...sadly. Thanks, Sweet Lady.

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  13. Oh you poor, poor man. I will pray for your safety, and hope you can find a small mattress for the dog house.

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    1. Heck Sharon, I don't even own a doghouse. Guess I should have staked a tent. She forgave me. Thanks, Sweetheart.

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  14. I'm just thankful you didn't hit yourself.

    Glass, metal and wood can be repaired.

    People...maybe not so much.

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    Replies
    1. So am I...same thing she said after hearing the news. Thanks, my friend. Stay well.

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  15. My Dear Friend Stephen,

    Don't you know a woman can sense something has happened and when they do they become immediate detectives. Your busted my friend. Sweet Wife will know because you will have the guilt all over your face. I'm not laughing, I am however happy to hear no one was injured.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sandy....I felt like a little boy caught, well, you know.

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  16. dear sweet one - i am with Pioneer Preppy on this one - bahahahahahahahah!

    your friend,
    kymber

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  17. Oh, you just made my day! I needed a laugh, and unfortunately at your expense, I've had one!

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    Replies
    1. It was my pleasure, Izzy...thanks, my friend.

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  18. Armadillo stew tonight? How the heck do 'ya skin them?

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    Replies
    1. Oh it's a smelly job....ripe out the belly and throw the rest on a fire. Dillo on the half-shell. Thanks, my lovely friend.

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    2. My cataracts give me endless amusement. I read that as "dildo on the half shell." I wondered, "why?"

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  19. Glad your both ok! And honesty is the best policy :)

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    Replies
    1. If nothing else, I am honest. Thanks, Pretty Lady.

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  20. Facepalm, no laughing here. You're suffering enough.

    Just a note, up north we don't have armadillos. If you ever retire, you could move north.

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    Replies
    1. But if I indeed moved north, what would I use for targets. Thanks, my lovely friend.

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    2. Depending on whether or not you lived in town or out in the country, your targets could include raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, bears, coyotes, 200# white tail deer, and wolves.

      Oh, and for most of the year you wouldn't have any trouble with sweat getting in your eyes.

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  21. You should not have told this, blackmail is a powerful thing.

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  22. OH ya...


    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

    Still laughing :)

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  23. That's just about like my Dad shooting mice in his house, from his recliner. Except he was using rat shot in his 22.

    Glad that sweetwife wasn't to hard on ya. Course, I feel that round two of this story will come up pretty soon.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure when the bill arrives she change her tune.

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  24. I forgot to mention that some armadillos in the southern United States are naturally infected with Hansen's disease. You know, Leprosy. Always be careful handling them.

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    Replies
    1. We always check their DNA prior to roasting....

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  25. I hope you really aren't eating them, Stephen. Recent studies indicated that eating armadilloes infected with leprosy does greatly increase the chance of acquiring the disease.

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    Replies
    1. Bob, I have never and shall never eat one. Besides, they stink.

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