Autumn

Autumn

Monday, June 3, 2013

Jesus and a Saline Drip

She just wouldn't shut her mouth. Every five seconds it was, "I gots Jesus. You hear me man, I gots Jesus. Bless the Lord, Jesus is coming and I'm his friend and f*ck you anyway you motherless child of God."

Over and over. Loud. She made my head hurt. She was a certified meth-head.

I was in emergency room two. The crazy drugged out woman occupied room three. I was trapped with her for over four hours. Sweet Wife kept me company.


My nice little attending nurse smiled at me and said, "She has issues."  I replied, "You think."

Sweet Wife didn't crack a smile. She was worried; she'd insisted the medics give me a thousand dollar cab ride to the world of horrors. Sweet Wife was also the reason half my chest had been dry shaved for the leads and horrible sticky attachment points, and it was her worry which lead to the saline drip. I explained this to the nurse. Nurse said, "Of course, she loves you." Like that.

I'm fine.

Yesterday, as I mentioned to Rev. Paul, I had yard work, chores, to complete. I dug a few holes, fixed a few sprinkler heads, and then trimmed hedges. Not long after Sweet Wife arrived home from church she joined me in the yard. We enjoyed typical Florida weather, hotter than Hades and very humid. Then, after I dipped to grab a handful of leaves and brush, I darn near fainted. Pain followed. I quietly excused myself and went inside.

The pain increased, then spread its insidious way across the back of my shoulders and down my arms. I took my very first self administered nitro tablet and an aspirin...took a sip of water and tried to dry my sweaty body. Then I said a silent prayer and asked the Lord to take care of my wife. Hey, I'm way of ahead of the game. If it's my time, I'll take the stairway.

She found me in the bathroom, and a few minutes later dialed 911. They gave me the long ride. I hate hospitals.

The woman in room three screamed again, and again.  I turned to the nurse, "I'm fine now, release me." She simply smiled. Sweet Wife gave me, 'The Look.'

The nurse stuck another needle in me and said, "I'm sorry. We can't release you. You must stay until the doctor sees you."

The crazy drug fueled Jesus loving democrat screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I searched my pocket for the little Old Timer knife. Found it. Hey, emergency rooms are dangerous.

Finally the doctor arrived. He was younger than my socks. Said, "Acute renal failure."

I said, "Let me out of here."

The woman screamed, "I gots Jesus oh yes I do. You hear me, bitch, I gots Jesus."

The doctor grimaced, and I'm fairly certain he wanted to suck on his thumb. I jerked a few wires from my chest and began to cut the pulse monitor from my finger. My Old Timer is very sharp.

Sweet Wife and the nurse were not amused.

From room three I heard a yell for security. Jesus had arrived and the crazy lady wanted to ride her meth high to heaven and kick ass. She yelled, "Me and Jesus gonna kick your ass motherf^ucker." I believed her...

They asked me to sign a 'against medical advice release form.' I said, "No." Then, "Well, then, we advise you have a stress test within three days." I glanced at Sweet Wife, sighed, and lied, "Sure."

Like that. Hour later I'm walking to the car.

Like I said, I hate hospitals.

Stephen









70 comments:

  1. You do realize what everyone is going to say to you in the comments section, right?

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    1. That I'm a cool guy no one in their right mind would vote for over you in the Coolest guy contest....

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    2. Close :) I'll let you know after you report back that your stress test went well.

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    3. My friend...I'll try, but I've a business that requires my attention. I do have a test scheduled for September. Thank you for your kind concern.

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  2. Not fun, brother. I'm hoping that you take their advice and go see your doctor. I'm just as stubborn about it as the next guy, but it's worth the peace at home.

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  3. Acute Renal Failure! Take care please, the world will be poorer if you opt out early.

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    Replies
    1. I'll be careful and carry a bottle of Gatorade next time I work outside....thanks, Dear Julie.

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  4. Love em or hate em, sometimes the quacks are right.

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    1. Not this one...he kept changing his story. One moment my heart, next my kidneys. After the drip I felt right as rain. Thanks, my friend.

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    2. Oh yah! Five grand worth of heart related tests when the problem was macular degeneration. Only smart thing that quack did was refer me to an eye doctor.

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    3. I'm sure when the bill arrives I'll pass out once again...

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  5. Careful there! Don't make the world a less interesting place.

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    1. My friend, I'm but a twinkle in the vastness of life. I will be careful. Thank you.

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    2. Hey sport! It's been a long while since I've posted, but I've been here everyday. You might be a twinkle in the vastness of life, but if you check out early because of stubbornness A LOT of people are going to seriously MISS you, and be PISSED at your selfishness! Maybe none of us count because we're not family, but you have a granddaughter that will be old enough to come seek you out on her own in a few short years! Pull you're head out, and do what you need to do! End of rant.

      Mark (Navy91)

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    3. It's very nice to hear from you again, my friend. I promise, I'll shall be careful. Besides, I've a trip to the Gulf soon, and Fall is always around the corner and I refuse to die before I once again have my Little Bit in my arms. Thanks, my friend.

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  6. I already told you how I felt in text. Your a free man, you have people who care about you and want you around, but I understand your feelings for "Germ-Factories". You need to take it easy a bit.

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    1. Thanks, partner...I took easy that evening, as you know, then opened the shop the next morning, as you know, then relaxed here at work for the rest of the day. As you know, me.

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  7. No need to "go home" sooner than necessary. Take care sir!

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    1. When I say I hate hospitals, there is a reason. I mean I really hate hospitals. I'm the first patient ever released from Baptist Medical Center the day after heart surgery. Thanks, my friend.

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  8. LISTEN MISTER...the *ss-kicking boots are out again!

    but ya know what? you are my treasured friend...and i trust you...i really trust you! and i know that you would do everything that you could to take care of your Sweet Wife...and if that entailed having to go at the world a little slower...i know that you would do it. for her. and for Little Bit.

    i trust you, dear sweet one. i trust that you will do what's best. for Sweet Wife. and Little Bit. and for all of us that love you, tho some of us be far away. i trust you.

    your friend,
    kymber
    xoxo
    (don't make me have to put the *ss-kicking boots on, eh?)

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    Replies
    1. Don't make me buy Kymber's ticket down there.

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    2. bhahahahahahah! oh Matt. buddy. i can always count on you! i appreciate it eh? much love to you buddy...always!

      your friend,
      kymber

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    3. kymber, my lovely friend, please don't kick me, again. I'm fine and I'll do everything in my power to care for my wife. I'm fine, Sweetheart, really, I am and thanks for the trust.

      Matt, buy the ticket.

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  9. Do not play with this....it is serious.

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    Replies
    1. I'm fine, Bubba. And I shall take it serious. Thank you.

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  10. Prayers sent. Hope this works out for you.

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    1. Thank you, Bob, much appreciated.

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  11. Dang... can't leave you alone for a minute ;)

    I hate ERs too. Have to be dragged there and can't get out fast enough. Take it easy, buddy. You need to hang around. For lots of different reasons.

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    1. Thank you, my good friend. I haven't plans for departure any time soon, I promise.

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  12. I think emergency rooms need a dart gun and Ketamine darts. A little target practice, and they can hit one of their out of control patients from 70 feet.

    I'm curious. Was the renal failure from dehydration, or some other cause, such as a reaction to a medication?

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    1. I was thinking slingshot and ball bearings but I like you idea much better indeed. Thanks, my friend.

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  13. Oh, Stephen! Please, please take care of yourself. Don't be so damn ornery. We are not as strong as we think we are. Health is EVERYTHING. Promise you'll go for the tests - they are only tests for heaven's sake. Do it for Sweet Wife (and us).

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    1. I have a test scheduled for September...thanks, Sweetheart.

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    2. Stephen! That's the stubbornness I was talking about! I've had some of the same issues and I know damn well you can get a test scheduled for next week! End of rant... again.

      Mark

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    3. Mark, I do admit to a degree of stubbornness. Ass kicked and noted....thank you. Really, I'm fine.

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  14. Don't be selfish, take your stress test and ease sweet wife's fears. We know you guys are tough but you don't really know the stress you cause us ladies when we are worried about our men.

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    Replies
    1. I'm fine, dear lady, really, I am....thanks.

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  15. Replies
    1. That's why I was imprisoned. Thanks, my friend.

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  16. Hope you sort it out Bubba, I know where you come from.

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  17. Don't make me come over there... Avoid salt (for the time being), have them check your creatine levels. Precautions for the heart are not a bad thing... Should be that everything can be handled out of hospital if you just listen...have gone thru this and it can certainly be resolved --Do Not Overlook this.. From a wife of a husband with One kidney from birth....take care of what you got..love you and quit scaring the wife.

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  18. I take one night off from reading the blogs on my list, and look what you do!

    Srsly, we need you around, Stephen - get better/stay better/take care of yourself.

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  19. Hope you're feeling better. BTW, your wife is a Saint.

    ;-)

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    Replies
    1. I agree, Bubba, she is indeed. Thank you.

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  20. I take a trip and can't check in and what do I find when I get back????? You, misbehaving!! Go get that stress test, ya hear?!

    Seriously, prayers for your health and saints wings for your wife. Be careful in that heat and humidity, my friend.

    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, my lovely friend. I promise, I'll take care of myself and blessing to you too.

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  21. From a grumpy old Medic....don't screw around with this, did the 'self administered' nitro provide any relief?
    Why are us guys so damn stubborn?
    Especially us old guys..

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    1. Not sure if the nitro provided relief or not....and yes, we are stubborn. Thanks my friend.

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    2. I concur - Renal Failure is no joke. Neither are Cardiac issues. Please don't put off the stress test - I also have a strong dislike for being stuck in hospitals - and I work in/for one!

      Stay safe my friend, and...

      ...hydrate. :)

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    3. Badger, water is my little friend....thanks, Bubba.

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  22. Go get checked... Thoughts and prayers Stephen!

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  23. No more ranting from me. You're a grown responsible man and can take care of yourself. It wasn't my place to give you an ear full. It's just that that's what friends do, and you scared me (all of us really). Although we've never met, I've learned enough about your character from this blog and your acquaintances online to know that you are my kind of people. This old Squid appreciates that there are still people of your character around, because so much of the character I see these days is just useless.

    Later

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    1. I do so very much appreciate you concern, Navy. My first heart attack was caused by a blood clot as the result of prior surgery due to an infection. I'm not your typical 'heart' patient. I'm not obese, haven't high amounts of cholesterol, my blood pressure is fine and my resting heartbeat is normally around 66. That being said, I now am the proud owner of two stints. I shall be careful. Again, thank you. I am and always shall be your friend.

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  24. Here's hoping you're doing better. May I ask how old you are? I am 56, a heavy drinker, smoker, and a couch potato. I was recently diagnosed with extremely high blood pressure (195-125) and my life has changed dramatically. I gave up smoking, drinking, but haven't started an exercise regime yet.
    Stephen, you can beat this. Take care and one more thing...it just seems like most people are younger than us these days...right?

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    1. I'm a bit older than you, sixty-two. I neither drink, smoke but do enjoy my easy chair and a good book with music in the background. I do stay fairly active. I like your blog, btw. And, thank you for your kind concern. Now, let's burn some powder.

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  25. I'm sorry but I'm with you on this one. Doctors kill enough people every year to qualify as a health risk. No one knows how you're feeling better than you do and no one else can make your choices. I won't lecture though I imagine you can guess because if you cash in your chips I am going to say outlandish and embarrassing things about you publicly.

    Lu and I will say an extra prayer for you tonight. Hoping you're Ok.

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    1. Thanks, Six...you and I think much alike. Hospitals are filled with beds of death and disease. Within my group of close friends we have a rule...if you are not present at a gathering/range day, then we are licensed to talk freely of the individual behind their backs and tell bold lies of their adventures...some even truthful.

      Tell Lu I said thanks for the prayers...prayer is always welcomed.

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  26. Just read this post. I have to agree with you. I hate hospitals. Hanging around them any longer than necessary is a good way to get sicker than you were when you came in. My Dad was a doctor. They told him at the hospital he had a week to live & he said take me home. He lived another five years to 99.5 y/o. Here's hoping we all do as well.

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    1. Your Dad was a very intelligent man, and I agree with him. Thanks, Muddy.

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  27. I like you Stephen. I don't want you to die. Please quit acting like a kid and take care of yourself. Your wife needs you. I will go away now and mind my own business. the rat

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    1. Rat, I shall not die any time soon. (He reaches and knocks wood.) If I do indeed leave this earth I sincerely promise to return and haunt the hell out of all of you. By the way, I'd make an exquisite corpse.

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