Autumn

Autumn

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Whupped

This morning I arrived at work early, too early, but then I'm poor and do silly things like open before sunrise. Fifteen minutes later the phone rings and it's Sweet Wife on the other end. I said, "What's up?"

"Come home."

"Why?" A long pause on the other end of the line, then, "Because."

I don't take orders. She repeated her, "Because."  This, isn't good. I tried again, "Honey," (Sweet talk don't 'ya know) Why, pray tell, do you want me to come home?"

She lets out with a long sigh, "Because - we need to drive down to St. Augustine. You, my dear husband, need clothes."

Just kill me now.

I closed the shop. What the heck, I needed a weekend off. After a couple of hours we arrived at the local Gander Mountain. Hey, if I must shop for clothes it will be in a man's world. Period.

Inside Sweet Wife takes me by the hand and leads me to the men's footwear department. She selects a pair of boots for me. She's like that, she decides and I say yes and place the items in the cart. No if, ands, and buts about it, she selects the articles - I just pay for them. She did grant me permission to select the brand I normally wear. I mentioned how kind it was of her. She smiled.

Then it's time for sandals. I insist on the most masculine pair I can find. She smiled and said, "Fine."

Then, socks. Six new pair. I only wear Merino Wool...she approved. See, I get my way when I put forth effort. But, she's like that too. She lets me win a few.

She takes the cart and heads further into the store. I allowed as how I was taking control and needed to check out the firearms department. She gave me ten minutes with further instructions to meet her in the men's clothing department. I said, "Yes, dear." I showed her who was boss.

They had 'purty' guns, too. Even had ammo boxes on sale, for twelve bucks. She said to put them back. Explained how the dirt on the boxes might mess up her/my new trousers and shirts.

Then, I noticed three pair of boy shorts in the cart....shorts. You know, those pants they've taken and whacked off just below the knees. The things metro-sexuals tend to wear around town. Three pair. I did notice they were 5.11's. Had 'tactical' stitched on the rear....tactical for Pete's sake....olive drab, navy blue, and khaki 5.11 shorts. Who knew, and she had them in the cart.
She had also chosen, with my permission, two  5.11 shirts. One even had the brand printed on the front, black no less. She said I'd like them. She's sly she is, she tells me what I'll like and what color I should wear. Said it makes me look, manly.

I grunted. Tim Allen has nothing on me...

The monkey cart now held, one pair of boots, sandals, three pair of shorts tactical boy things, six pair of socks, two shirts. She then shoved me towards the trousers. Sweet Wife said one of my favorite set of pants had a hole worn where my spare magazine clipped onto my belt. Tacky, she said. You need new ones. She's like that too, tells me when I should purchase new trousers.



At least she allowed me to stick with the 5.11's. Waste size 36. I insisted I knew my own waist size. She argued. Said you've lost weight and you should drop down one size to a 34. I said no...she took them from my hand and replaced them. Women, they just don't know when to give in to a man's superior intellect. I showed her. (Later, at home, the size 34 did indeed fit.)


Asked, please, may I have that nice black piece of 5.11 luggage. It was a cool bag. Thought, what would it hurt to ask...she said, "No."
 
So I showed her and replaced the silly green 5.11 belt she'd thrown in the cart to wear with my cool tactical new boy scout shorts. Thin darn thing wouldn't even hold up under the weight of my Glock if you'd begged it. Stupid nylon junk.

Later, while I placed all of Sweet Wife's items before the check out boy, the belt magically appeared and I paid fifteen bucks for it.  She's sneaky as all get out. I gave her the eye. Then told her I'd never wear the darn baby girlie-boy belt.

She just smiled.

Then said, "Sure you will, next month on my birthday we're driving down to Cedar Key for a long weekend. It's your gift to me."

We'll see.

Stephen

5.11 hasn't paid me one single nickel for my wonderful endorsement of their products. If they choose to do so, please email and I'll send you my mailing address. I'm poor and will accept any payoff or bribe you offer. I prefer gold or silver bullion. Thank you.

29 comments:

  1. You sure showed her who's boss. . . as if there was any doubt.

    My lovely wife dragged around St. A back in early April. She loves that town. At least I got to see them fire a cannon at the fort.

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    1. Sixbears, my wife loves the town too. She'd move there if given half a chance. Me, not so much...too many tourist. I let her believe she's the boss. She just grinned when I read her the last line. Thanks, my friend.

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  2. Shorts are metrosexual? I never knew I was such an upscale cosmopolitan dresser! And I had to look up metrosexual to even figure out what it means.

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    1. bahahahaha - Russell are you joking? did you really not know what metrosexual is? because, if so - that is the funniest thing i have heard in a long, long time! good one buddy! bahahahahahah!

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    2. Russell, yes, shorts are metrosexual...having said that I do live in Florida, as you well know it's a hot humid place to work and play. Which means I do sometimes, when people can't see me, wear shorts too. I know. I hang my head in shame. But, I never work in shorts....thanks, my friend.

      kymber, get it girl...

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  3. I'm sure the belt will be just fine. Enjoy your long weekend, when that comes around.

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    1. No, my dear, the belt isn't fine and will not work for my purposes...it will hold my trousers in their proper place. The holster and gun, not so much...thanks, my nice friend.

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  4. Ooh, she helps you pick her birthday gift, too! She is wise.

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    1. Sweetheart, she takes care of me for sure - when I allow her. (smack, she replies.) Thanks, my lovely friend.

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  5. Replies
    1. Makes two of us, my friend. Thanks.

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  6. Phyllis (N/W Jersey)May 26, 2012 at 9:48 PM

    Gander Mountain - we have one near us, too. Cabela's is a bit of a ride, but worth it! Hubby only wears shorts if they have a lot of pockets. He also needs a good belt to hold his pants up because of all the stuff he carries. Just picture it: 71 year young man, black socks, work boots & shorts with every pocket filled. Gotta love it!

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    1. I do enjoy Gander. Cabelas, never seen one, wish they'd get the butts in gear and build one here. I too have a heavy load in my pockets. I carry far too much gear and junk for a practical purposes so I understand your husband well. Thanks, dear Phyllis.

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  7. ROFL ... you've got a winner with that wife, Stephen :)

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    1. Indeed, Julie, she is a winner and I love her very much. Thanks, my sweet friend.

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  8. Stephen,

    I love your posts, this one is great. Extremely entertaining and full of love. Hehehehehe!!!
    Have a great weekend away and hug Sweet Wife from an Okie friend.

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    1. Thank you very much...makes the writing worth the effort. We have a tropical storm slowly on track for our area. It should move directly over us later tonight and into tomorrow; heavy winds to 60 and loads of rain. Should be very interesting. I have three books, a coffee pot and my chair. I'm ready. Sweet Wife said thank you for the hug, and hopes you have a nice weekend too. Many have asked why I call her 'Sweet Wife.' It's because she truly has a sweet spirit and huge heart. I held her last evening why she cried herself to sleep. Thanks, my lovely friend.

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  9. Wives can we do without them?? yes and no. Mine likes to help me shop also. When folks ask her how many kids she has she always replies 6. Funny thing is I only remember being at 5 births. go figure why she says 6??

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    1. In truth, many men can live without them. I cannot live without mine. Thanks, Rob.

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  10. I LOVE my shorts. Well except when I have to do any real work in tall grass or the bees anyway.

    What is it about wives that they declare clothing unfit when it gets the slightest wear sign or little hole in it?

    Sounds like you dealt with that situation and showed her who was boss....YUP!!!

    Keep up the good work my friend!!!

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    1. PP, having written the spoof on shorts I must admit they have a purpose. In a practical life of work and hard play they have limitations. When I wear mine it because I don't expect to be caught in a bad situation where shorts would hinder or hurt any survival surprise. Day to day I like to dress for emergencies. Just ask yourself if what you currently wear is the way you'd like to be caught when the SHTF.
      Women are funny about clothes, aren't they....spots on my shirts and pants drives my wife nuts. Thanks, my good friend.

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  11. dear sweet one - i am glad to know that you will be dressed smartly for the next little while at least. and remember - wives dress the men they love! you definitely have a lovely and caring wife - i am glad! give her a big hug from us!

    your friends,
    kymber and jambaloney

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    1. Thank you, sweet one. She takes care of me. Sweet Wife just yelled back and instructed I should give a hug back at you...

      All our love.

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  12. Does your lovely wife have a female relative living in east-central Iowa?? If so, we my well be related! :) As I have said in the past, you obviously have married a winner sir - I nice to know you have her well in hand!

    Bill

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    1. It's possible she has a relative in Iowa...her family is huge. I stole her from the cradle, and picked a winner for sure...now, in hand, well she let's me believe I have her under my control...thanks, Bubba.

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    2. Not sure, my friend, it's possible as her family is huge...yes, I did marry a winner...stole her from the cradle. She's six years younger than I. And, yes, she let's me think I have her under control. She's sneaky that way. Thanks, Bubba.

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  13. You have the knowledge of age and experience on your side. You know if you do exactly as the Sweet One says, life will be much sweeter!

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    1. Life is a cruel mistress and teaches us our lessons well. Thanks, Swamp Dog, my friend.

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  14. Stephen I'm 33 years old and my mom still brings me clothes. She says i need new things. Women don't understand jeaans aren't broke in untill they are 2 years old.

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