Autumn

Autumn

Friday, May 17, 2013

Anger Management

I hit the new post button and then sit here like a stump on a log with a blank expression on my face, mind numb. I need to write, something. Perhaps I'll give you a local weather report, ready. It's hot.

Before bed, last evening, our temperature thingamabob reflected seventy-two degrees. It's gonna be a long summer. Yet, this morning just as the sun peeked hello, I stepped outside to a fairly cool breeze loaded with the refreshing scent of salt and marsh and pine mast.

I need a vacation. We have, as it stands, set aside the last week of June for our time away from our busy lives. We'll drive over to the Gulf and take a seat next to the water. I'll pretend to read, maybe set out a fishing pole, but in all honesty, it'll be nap time. A whole friggin week.

So far this morning the shop has been very quiet. I've had a chance to walk around the parking lot and gather all the democrat tracks. Only two beer cans and one plastic bag. Must have been a quiet night, even the moon fleas took a break.

I had planned a range day for tomorrow....what's that old adage, 'the best laid plans....' Seems all my close friends have met resistance. Probably for the best as ammo isn't cheap and the supply is low.

QUIT BUYING AMMO.

Bunch of dumba$$eS.

Supply and demand, think about it. It's a tricky business. Allow the market to cool. Then, watch as the shelves restock and then, and only then, reach over and grab your need and stack it deep...but, slowly. It'll also cost less.

End of sermon.


Sorry. I'm not in a great frame of mind.

Late yesterday as I walked from the market back to my truck I found a penny. I bent, grabbed and stuffed it in my pocket. Seconds later as droll seeped from my open mouth I came back to reality. Seems I'd lost myself to the memory of my Little Bit. Penny hunting was our thing....our fun activity as we ran errands. She'd squeal in delight with every hint of copper.

After I'd reached for the coin and stood in place like an idiot at a liberal convention, lost in the thought of her, horns tooting me back to awareness, I damn near lost it...white hot anger took control of my otherwise calm controlled demeanor.

I must confess, and this isn't easy for me....but I wanted to beat, someone. I had such an urge to reach out and just choke the first person within range. I literately shook.

It's taken a great deal of self control on my part to not drive to her home and kick the door down. I'm not a violent man. Yes, I carry a firearm. Yes, I've been in the crap, but since....I've tried to live in peace. The evidence of such is my restraint and unwillingness to write of my military days, as you might of noticed.  I've worked very hard to control my emotions of which my Little Bit and my Sweet Wife played huge parts. When that little girl came into my life she changed me. I became a better man and now she's gone.

In slightly less than two weeks it will be one year since I've held her in my arms.

I hate I've written of this pain. To allow my emotions laid bare, yet this is my journal, my testimony to her. Hopefully one day far in the future she will read this and understand her Papa tried.

Stephen
 

26 comments:

  1. dear sweet one, Stephen - this has been a hard year on you. you have done your best to get healthy again and you have put on a great show of "everything is fine". you DO need a vacation and i hope you sleep for the whole friggin week! you have been medically-tested, physically-tested, mentally and emotionally-tested! your heart has been broken and you ache for your Little Bit. she will know that Papa tried, i promise you that!

    we all have days when we want to scream and rage and strangle the first person we see. it is a normal reaction to all that you have been through.

    i hope that a sloppy Cape Breton hug from me will help just a little. (a Cape Breton hug is when someone pretty much climbs on top of you, squeezes you near to death and then plants sloppy kisses all over your forehead, cheeks, mouth, eyes, ears and neck. like really sloppy!)

    (i hope that you enjoyed the Cape Breton hug. your welcome. teehee.)

    your friend,
    kymber

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    Replies
    1. Jamie is a very luck fella....with all my heart, thank you, Sweet Kymber.

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  2. I didn't know this had happened. I've only read your blog for about a month.

    I looked at the face of Little Bit and my heart broke. If you are a father at all, you are a father to all children.

    I will pray that the peace that goes beyond understanding will be yours.

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  3. My heart breaks for your pain, and for hers. Please Lord, restore this family and let that little girl & her Papa be together again. We ask it in Jesus' name, sir - amen.

    Stephen, you have my e-mail if you want to talk. I know you have friends there, but ... just the same ...

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    1. Your kindness and offer are much appreciated, my friend. Truthfully, the very effort of writing my thoughts kills my soul. Thank you.

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  4. I honestly don't know what I would do. Hang in there, Buddy.

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    1. My friend, I built a room far back in my mind and have almost, but not quite, locked my feelings deep inside. It's just so hard when everything I see or smell or touch, reminds me of her. Thank you.

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  5. I've wondered for a long time why lil' Bit hadn't been mentioned for a long time. It hurts. I know. What we bury alive, stays alive, and you had PTSD when it took over. I'm so sorry. We are counting the days (years) until our grandkids are old enough to break away from their dad and visit, or call us. But by that time, we might not even be alive.

    Are you going to Cedar Keys again? Be careful. I've heard they're having complaints about bedbugs.

    Have the cicadas hit your area yet? We had some in our trees last night, but just a few.

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    1. To write of her brings back the memories and it hurts...hence my silence.

      Yes, Cedar Key, back to the condo and if its bug infested someone will dearly pay the price.

      No cicadas as yet...very soon we will hear their song. Thanks, sweet lady.

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  6. It's not just anger, it's righteous anger. Only for my kids and grandkids have I felt that way. It's hard to hold back, even knowing that anger won't make it better. May time show you happier days.

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    1. Thank you, my friend. So far I've held my anger in check...the price she'd pay for my lack of discipline would be awful. I walk in silence and wait. Trust me, one of these days...

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  7. She knows now, Stephen. She feels your love every day - and, hopefully, one day she'll have the whole picture, and she'll probably shake with anger too.

    Hang in there - and hang on. I'm proud to know you.

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  8. You care about the things that matter.

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    Replies
    1. I try, my friend. I try. Thank you.

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  9. Our prayers for you, your wife, and your Little Bit. May everything work out for you guys soon.

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    1. Thank you, dear lady...we shall see.

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  10. I keep hoping and praying that your son will let her back into your lives. Life is too short to carry a grudge against family, especially when your too need each other for your happiness.
    Stay strong, Stephen.
    And please, write more of your memories. Without the ability to share them directly with her, this blog is the next best thing. It will never be a bad thing for her to know her Papa better.

    Keangnt

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    1. Kean, I'll try. Can't promise as the writing of the memories hurt. God bless you, and thanks.

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  11. Replies
    1. I do appreciate the prayers, my friend...thank you.

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  12. A lot of us grandparents share your ache, Stephen. The hurt knows no bounds and only the ones that have gone through it really understand the pain. The anger will just tear you apart if you let it. We had a glimmer of hope; he asked if he could stay with us for a couple of days during summer vacation. A small step, but we'll take it - one at a time.

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    Replies
    1. That's great, sweet one...Lord knows I'd like a small step in my direction.

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  13. I cannot imagine. I promise that when my grandchildren visit in June I'll give them both an extra hug just for you.

    Hang in there.

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  14. Your steadfast love of that precious child will bring you both together again. You are a good man. Stay strong . . . for her. Be gentle with yourself.

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